


Soul Searching

by Ladystiltskin67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean - Freeform, Dean made a mistake, Feelings, Fights, Gen, Redemption, Sam - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, cas, casdean - Freeform, implied backgroud, mamma jody, season 15 coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:20:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21726655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladystiltskin67/pseuds/Ladystiltskin67
Summary: Mary's Dead, Jack's Dead, Rowena, Ketch... and now Dean's pushed Cas away. It's not his fault though right? It's not like he had a choice with Chuck playing puppet master. Right?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Soul Searching

“How are we supposed to fight God, Sam? …. It’s God!” 

The boys sat quietly sipping on their drinks because well, why the hell not? What else could they do? They sat in uncomfortable silence for what seemed like forever so right before Dean’s legs went numb from how he was sitting, he stood. 

“Where are you going?” 

“I’ve gotta do something I can’t just sit here.”

“Ok… wanna take a drive? I know you just bought some stuff but we could go groc-”

“No Sam. I need to  _ do _ something.” 

“Like what?”

“I don’t know man but I can’t do this. Just sit here and wait.” 

“Dean….”

“Don’t Sammy. Please, just don’t. I can’t right now.” Dean felt the whites of his eyes sting and a lump form in his throat. He ran his hand down his face to distract himself as Sam looked at him, wanting to speak but not knowing what to say, so he got up and walked to his room to quickly pack a bag as his brother paced around the bunker.

Once he had what he needed Sam headed to Dean’s room and pulled his duffle from under the bed just as Dean walked in. 

“What the hell are you doing?” 

“Pack a bag. We’re going to visit Jody.”

“Sam…” 

“We need to catch her up on things anyway so why not?”

“Claire might be there.” 

“Ok, and?” Sam gave his brother a puzzled look.

“Nothing…. Get out so I can get changed. I’ll meet you in the car.” Dean swore as he closed his door. He hadn’t been exactly honest with Sam about why Cas had left. He didn’t want Claire to ask where he was either because although Cas may go off to do his own thing, he never passed up a visit to Sioux Falls. At least he’d have the six hour drive to come up with something.

\--

\--

\--

Three hours in they made a quick stop for fuel and snacks. After visiting the bathroom and waiting for sam to get done buying his overpriced rabbit hippy snacks, Dean sat in the car gnawing on some jerky. For a brief moment he allowed some of the sorrow in his chest to rise to the surface. He thought of Marry and sharing his favorite kind of jerky with her. He remembered how she cranked up the radio and enjoyed the ride. He realized soon though, that remembering her was a mistake because before he knew it, the memories came flooding back .

_ “I hate you… And I love you. Cause I can't, I can’t help it...you’re my mom.” _

_ “How 'bout for once, you just try to be a mom?” _

_ “I am your mother, but I am not just a mom. And you are not a child.” _

_ “I never was.” _

He thinks about the fights and his chest aches. The stinging in his eyes is back and that damn lump in his throat won’t leave him alone. He distracts himself with happier memories. Thinks about watching her punch Lucifer in the face and about the time she fell asleep on his shoulder on the drive home. She  _ wasn’t  _ just a mom. She was his friend. And damn he missed her... He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t see Sam walk back up to the car. 

“Dean? You ok?”

With the dried treat in his hand forgotten, and a foul feeling in his gut, the older brother nodded. He tossed the bag in the back seat and tried to swallow. 

“I miss her too.” Sam said softly. Knowing he couldn’t speak without sounding emotional he reached over to pat his brothers knee then back to start Baby. 

The next few hours it took to get to Jody were a bit lighter. Music played and in between songs the boys would talk about a random memory. As Sioux Falls drew closer the eldest brother couldn’t help the smile that crept up his face, to be honest, he was a little excited to see Jody. She was kind and smart and always knew just what to say. By the time they arrived it was early evening. The sun was just barely beginning to set and as he rolled Baby into the drive, Sheriff Mills came out to greet them. 

“Was she expecting us?” Dean looked at his brother.

“Yea I’ve been texting her. What? It would have been rude to just show up.”

As they stepped out of the car they each found their arms full. Right along with Jody was Alex and Claire who didn’t hesitate to hug their extended family hello. 

“Alright alright… enough.” Dean smiled as he squeezed back. Claire stepped away so Jody could have her turn. As Dean bent to hug Jody that stupid feeling in his chest came back and he couldn’t speak. When she let go he turned away to busy himself with getting their bags. 

“Girls why don’t you show Sam the newest member of the family?” 

“Sam you’re gonna love him! Come on.” You didn’t see Alex get excited often so he knew it had to be someone important. 

“Dean?” Jody spoke softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. He breathed in deep and turned to face her. The evidence of how much he’d changed etched into his face. His once boyish and round face replaced with sharp lines and creases around his eyes. He looked tired.

“Just a long drive. It’s good to see you.” He hugged her again quickly and grabbed the bags. 

Walking inside Dean was greeted by the newest member of the Mills’ clan. A tall lanky thing named Thor padded up to the green eyed man jumping up on him to get his turn of loving. 

“Hey there big fella.” Dean managed to get out before the dog caused too much commotion. Gently removing the paws from his chest Dean turned the dog around and let him go. “Jody, why is there a small horse in your house?”

“That’s Thor. We found him on a hunt about three weeks ago. The poor thing would have ended up being a vampire snack if we hadn’t shown up in time and of course the girls begged to keep him, so here he is.”

Dean smiled to himself as he watched the puppy stumble over his own feet and bump his head on the door frame. 

“Ha! Should have named him Sammy.”

“Shut up Dean.”

“What he looks just like you! Big, scruffy bangs, and clumsy.”

“I’m not clumsy!” 

“You get hit in the head an awful lot.”

“That’s not clumsy…. It’s bad luck.”

Jody interrupted their bickering “Who’s hungry? I’ve got stuff for tacos and nachos.” The boys smiled at each other.

“That sounds awesome Jody. You need any help?” Sam asked.

“Sure, you can help. Alex? Care to make a drink run?” They headed towards the kitchen leaving Claire and Dean to themselves.

“Wanna watch TV Pops?” Claire smiled at Dean.

“Sure dork.” Dean watched her flip through the channels when it hit him again. All of the sudden it was hard to breathe. Looking at her, all he could see was… No. Not thinking about that. Not now. 

“Dean? Dean!”

“Huh?”

“Top chef?” Claire motioned to the television. 

“Yea, yea that’s fine.” He could have sworn she’d given him a sympathetic look. Almost as if she knew what he was thinking. 

Dean pretended to be interested in the show long enough for dinner to be ready. After hearing Jody holler “food’s ready!” he had washed up and found himself seated at the same table that once bore witness to one of the most embarrassing conversations he’d ever been apart of. Thinking back on the moment he smiled to himself as he piled up a plate of nachos. 

“What’s so funny.”

“You remember the last time the four of us had dinner here?” 

“I do” Sam smiled and busied himself with his meatless tacos.

“Oh yea, haha the birth control talk.” Claire added

“Claire do you remember what Cas said to you when you told him what happened!” Alex was full on laughing at this point. 

“Oh do I… He spent the next ten minutes lecturing me about how it’s not nice to tell your business.  _ Then _ he spent the next week texting me links to safe sex articles.” Claire laughed until her eyes met Dean’s. His smile had disappeared and in its wake left an anxiety ridden expression. Claire circled the conversation back to the food but for Dean it was too late. Another bout of grief washed over him. He tried to take small measured breaths so it didn’t look like he was having a panic attack, but when the thought entered his brain, a small voice told him ‘but you are, you’re panicking’. 

“S’cuse me.” He didn’t wait for an answer, the stinging in his eyes told him he didn’t have time. Slipping out the back door Dean walked as far away from the house as he could before he felt his stomach lurch. Bracing himself on a tree he dry heaved until the nausea passed. When he finally felt like his insides were in fact remaining inside his body, he relaxed and sat with his back against the tree and let the tears fall. He wasn’t aware of how long he’d been sitting there until he heard small, light footsteps approaching. 

“You know, when I lost my son and my husband I did the very same thing. I found a tree in the middle of nowhere and cursed everything I could think of and I cried until I couldn’t anymore.” Jody sat close but left enough space that Dean wouldn’t feel smothered. 

“I hate this.” Dean’s voice shook.

“I know you do.”

“They’re all gone.”

“I know.” Jody gave Dean a sympathetic look, and in return he narrowed his tired watery eyes at her. 

“When…”

“Right after he left. He came up here to see Claire, told her a bit about what happened.”

“So he came up here just to tell y’all how awful I was?”

“No. He told her how much he had messed up. But yea, he also told us what you said”

“....”

“After he left she got a little upset but I told her that she couldn’t be angry with either of you. That it was between you guys and that I was sure neither one of you were going to treat her different because of it no matter how stupid she thought you both were being.” Jody let him absorb the new information and they sat quietly for a moment before Dean responded. 

“And what do you think?”

“Does it matter?”

“Wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t.” Dean turned his head to capture her eyes.

“I think you boys have been through a lot…. I think the stress of losing Jack and Mary so close together was too much for either of you to handle.”

Dean scoffed and turned his head away from her drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. 

“What?”

“It’s always too much to handle… but I handle it. I don’t run off.”

“Didn’t he try to handle it?” 

“So now it’s all my fault?” Dean turned accusing eyes on her 

“I didn’t say that.”

“That’s what you made it sound like.”

“That’s not fair Dean.”   
  


“Nothing’s fair here Jody.”

“Now look, I didn’t come out here to argue with you. I see that you’re hurting and I want to help any way I can but this… this pity party. It’s not you Dean.” 

“It’s not?”

“No it’s  _ not _ .

“Then what  _ is _ ?” He bristled.

“You’re strong, smart, funny. You’re an incredible hunter. You’re a great big brother and Friend. But above all else you’re  _ the  _ Dean Winchester.”

“Yea well what if I don’t wanna be Dean Winchester anymore?” The tears were back, stinging his eyes with the anger they held.

“What’dya mean?” Jody softened her voice and turned to face him. 

“I mean I’m tired. I, I mess everything up. Sure, in the end by some miracle it’s fixed but the fight along the way, it’s… I can’t do it anymore. My whole life….”

“I know honey.” Jody placed a gentle hand on his arm. 

“Did he tell you about all of it? How  _ none _ of it was real. How Sam and I became the lead characters in some weird screwed up reality show?!”

“He mentioned…” Dean stood up and continued to speak becoming more upset.

“Mom dying, my shitty childhood, Dad! Everything about Dad! Sam dying and me spending 40 years in Hell, I WAS IN HELL! My soul twisted and tortured every day, over and over! All that stuff with the Angel’s and the apocalypse! The Mark and fucking Michael. I’m not even sure that’s the worst part you know? How am I even me? What if I don’t even like the things I like huh? If everything was God’s doing then how do I know that any of it was real!?” He took a few breaths to calm himself “Every monster, every decision, all the people we’ve lost, the people I lo- I care about… My thoughts and feelings aren’t my own Jody. It’s just some story for Chuck’s entertainment.” 

Jody sat quietly and let him get it out and when he sat back down he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs.

“What has being Dean ever gotten me?” He swallowed thickly put his head down.

“I can’t tell you that I know what it’s like because as far as I know, God’s never taken a personal interest in me. But I can tell you that I know how it feels to have your control and choices taken from you. I wouldn’t have chosen to lose my family and for a long time I …Dissociated so that part I can relate to.”

“Yea…” 

“You think Cas had a choice?”

“No, of course I don’t… But that’s my point. Cas is my,  _ was _ my best friend. He sprung me from the pit and we saved the world together. He’s died for me. But, it wasn’t really for me it was for Chuck. Everything about us wasn’t us, it was  _ Him _ . Cas seemed to be at the center of all of it. He was the catalyst for everything. Every time Chuck threw something at us Cas was…” Dean turned his head and met Jody’s eyes.

She looked at him knowingly and gave him a small smile.

“I screwed up.” 

“You can still fix it.”

“You really think so?” Dean hoped she was right.

“I do. Just give him some space to cool off and when you get your chance, apologize and  _ mean it. _ ” Jody wrapped an arm around Dean’s shoulder and kissed the side of his head. 

-

-

-

A few weeks down the road Dean found himself crying to an unconscious Angel. The fight they endured has left his best friend drained and broken. When Cas didn’t wake immediately they moved him to the infirmary and Dean sat watch at his side, and he prayed. He listed each transgression as if he were reading a grocery list. He apologized and cried until his voice gave out on him and he held fast to the idea that Cas was the one who could save them all. He spent hours telling Castiel that he was different and that his presence in their lives is what made the difference between their ending and Chuck’s. And for the first time in what felt like ages he touched the Angel. Dean held Castiel’s hand and begged for him to fight and come back to him. 

The hours passed in a blur and Dean was no longer sure of how long he’d been at the Angel’s bedside. Sam had stopped checking on him a while ago when it became evident that his brother wasn’t going to move or trade out with him for rest. The world continued on without them and for that, Dean was thankful. 

When he couldn’t hold his head up any longer Dean let himself drift as his head lay on the bed next to their still joined hands waking only when he felt a slow steady movement through his hair. Startled he sat up quickly and looked at the man lying before him. 

“Hello Dean.”

“Heya Cas.”

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
